chronic illness quotes

When things aren’t going so well

It’s hard to be positive all the time, in fact it’s damn near impossible. The last couple of weeks have had ups and downs and I’m feeling the strain.

I blogged about Fridays events, Saturday we had friends over for dinner and had a brilliant night, it felt great to have a relaxed, fun dinner party with some wonderful mates. Overnight on Saturday I struggled to sleep,  having aches and cramps and just not feeling too good, Sunday was a chill out day but in the evening I was making dinner with Timm when the hernia struck again.

I went straight to bed and laid down, took my bag off and saw this big hard lump in my stomach right behind my stoma.  It was my insides coming through the hole in my muscles and it was fucking agony.  It was the same pain as Friday night so though it was extremely painful, it was slightly less scary as I knew what was happening.

chronic illness quotes

It felt like labour pains, a huge pressure in my abdomen and an unrelenting pain.  I was crying and panting and just couldn’t catch my breath, after an hour of this I asked Timm to call the hospital but with it being a Sunday night, my usually contacts of the stoma nurse, or stoma team at the hospital were unavailable.  In the end he called NHS Direct who seemed not to really understand the situation (they kept asking if I were opening my bowels and Timm kept explaining about the ileostomy).  Eventually after drinking peppermint tea, laying flat and having a heat compress on my stomach, I managed to massage and maneuver my intestine back through the muscle wall and the pain stopped.

I have seen my stoma nurse since who confirms that it is a hernia, and that the lumps and pain is due to my intestine squeezing through the hole in my muscles and getting kinked and stuck.  She says that hernias happen in around 40% of people with an ileostomy and that now the weakness is here, it won’t go away on its own and will just keep getting worse.

I have been in touch with my consultant who sees no point in performing a hernia repair operation as I am planning to have the pouch surgery this year anyway.  Originally I had asked if this could be performed in late September to fit around a crazy busy summer with work and our wedding vow renewal on September 6th.  This probably isn’t going to happen now, Mr Brown wants to bring the surgery right forward and I am seeing him this Friday to discuss.

The other thing I am struggling with at the moment is insomnia and tiredness.  Im struggling to fall to sleep and some nights Im up till 4 or 5am and then I feel exhausted all day.

I feel like I have taken a big step backwards in my recovery at the minute.  Everything seemed to be going so well, I recovered brilliantly and traveling in December and January was amazing, yet now six months down the line problems are sneaking up on me.

worrying quotes

Im not great at the minute emotionally or mentally.  I have been so busy with the talk at IWD and work as well as moving house this week that Im running on adrenaline I think, but in those quiet times at home I am feeling quite down.  I feel disappointed that I am struggling, Im a little angry that I have this hernia and I feel quite guilty that I have slipped back down the road of recovery and Im back to having to rest a lot and leave Timm to much of the things that need doing.

My sleep patterns are a problem, I just can’t fall asleep but then in the morning I am so exhausted that I can’t wake up, this teamed with the hernia means that Timm is doing 90% of the school runs, Im missing out on our family swim each week and I don’t feel confident enough to exercise, go to the gym or go out walking which isn’t helping my mood.

Im really anxious about bring surgery date forward, I have made the decision that I am going for the pouch surgery but thought I had six months to prepare myself physically and mentally for it.  Im stressed that bringing the date forward is going to make things really difficult for work and worried that I won’t be well enough to enjoy our second wedding.

feeling stressed quotes

But I do know that it is a particularly stressful time in my life.  This year I am moving house, getting married, running one business whilst working for another AND trying to build a brand for this blog and myself.  All this on top of not being in great physical shape and facing more major surgery.  Oh and raising three kids and running a house…

So I suppose it is normal that Im feeling weepy, stressed and frustrated.  It would probably be weird if I wasn’t worrying about the ton of things going on in my life.  Im trying to keep things in perspective though, accepting my feelings rather than swallowing them down.  Talking about the stresses Im feeling rather than pretending everything is ok.

Ill update more at the weekend when I have seen my consultant and know what the next step is.

Thanks for reading

Love Sam x

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9 thoughts on “When things aren’t going so well

  1. Big hugs matey. Remember you have lots of friends who will help, whether it be giving you a hand with the school run or just having a natter. I know you feel bad with Timm doing so much, but you need to rest and get well again. Lots of love from the Hudsons. Xxxx

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  2. I’m sorry your hernia is giving your trouble. You are a wonderful woman, but you’re not Wonder Woman (though I bet you’d rock that outfit).You need to decide what is really important and what can be put on hold, for now. Your health and well being should probably come pretty high on that list! Take care x

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  3. Sam I am going to state the blatantly obvious……you are doing too much. It is no wonder you cannot sleep.
    I am reminded of the flight safety instriction which says ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’. You need all your strength to prepare for surgery. Your hernia is telling you this and making you stop. Listen to your body sweetheart. Nothing else is more important right now.
    You will get through this. You have nothing to proove to anyone. We all know how great you are already. 🙂
    If there’s anything I can do for you please just ask.
    Love Sue x

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    • Sorry to hear the hernia is causing so much trouble and pain. I know that bringing the surgery forward is not ideal. Sometimes illness is so frustrating it doesn’t understand that we have a job to do or a party to go to etc !!! But sometimes it’s also telling us to take a step back and a rest. Hopefully you will have long enough to recover before the wedding and the surgery will be a step in the right direction. Sounds like the pain of the hernia was awful and needs sorting out ASAP. Good luck with it all xxx

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      • Don’t think about it as giving up control. It’s more a case of making better choices and pacing yourself. Do you think that having the illness for so long and then making such a good recovery after surgery has given you a drive to do things you wouldn’t have done before and also push yourself to the limit?

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