so bad ass sam cleasby

As I sit here on a bidet crying…

Well THERE’S a title I never thought I would post!

Seriously though if you are reading this looking for some of my usual positivity, step away now. I am writing this in my bathroom sat on a bidet having spent the last 20 minutes crying. Right now I am feeling bloody sorry for myself.

My kids are away this weekend at scout camp and as they have a whale of a time, Timm and I are having a weekend to ourselves and so far it’s been fab. On Friday I had a new tattoo!!! By the fantastic Glen at Fat Stans in Dinnington, my newest tattoo is line drawings of flowers. My tattooist is great and I’d recommend him very highly, I know he reads this blog from time to time and he makes a point of asking me about my surgery and recovery. It is brilliant to talk about it and normalise the whole process!

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Last night we had friends over and had a brilliant evening with good food, booze and daft games. Today we have been to a double bill cinema day (Tammy and The hundred year old man who climbed out of a window and disappeared)

I was having stomach pains in the cinema and had to go to the bathroom a couple of times. I HATE going to public toilets now. The reason is embarrassing. When I go for a poo since having my pouch surgery it is VERY loud. The passing of stool comes with gas and it sounds pretty much like this.

The plan was to then come home, have a Chinese and just hang out together. Only I was desperate for the loo, we’ve got home and unfortunately my (hilarious) chalk board has been reset to 0…

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As much as my comedy board does make me chuckle sometimes today it’s made me so sad. It was on 7 and so this feels like a huge set back. I’m embarrassed. I’m angry. I’m heart broken.

I don’t want to write about this really as I don’t want everyone to know.

But I promised myself I would talk about all aspects of my disease, surgery and recovery.

I hate that my husband has to deal with this. I hate it. I don’t want him to see me like this. He is wonderful and just gives me a kiss and tells me it’s fine. But I feel like I’ve taken a punch to the gut when I think about how this aspect of my illness makes me feel so low.

I’m sat on a bidet because of the butt burn. I’ve yet to blog about this yet. Basically the large intestine neutralises the stomach acid in poo. Without it, my waste is really acidic and harsh on my skin. I wear creams and potions to help but sometimes it’s still unbearable. It feels like acid is burning into my butt. It’s itchy, painful and does really feel like a burn.

So I’m feeling particularly pathetic tonight. Please forgive my moaning but right now I just feel weepy, sad and disgusting.

All I can do is dry my eyes and remember tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for reading, at the times when I doubt whether I should write about these things, when I cringe at the thought of people reading this and laughing or judging me I remember the reason I do this. The reason I run this blog and bare my soul is to share my experiences, #stoppoobeingtaboo and to hopefully make life a tiny but easier for others living with ulcerative colitis, crohns or with an ostomy or a pouch.

I know this helps because every day I get emails, messages and comments from people all over the world telling me it’s helping them. I am eternally grateful for every one of these messages, I can’t put into words how important it feels to be making a difference in the lives of others and it spurs me to continue.

If you are reading this as an IBD patient and I’m scaring you I am sorry, the only thing I can say is this.

You are not alone. You CAN get through this. It’s OK to have rubbish days as long as you pick your self up the next day and carry on being awesome and so bad ass.

And now I’m off to take my own advice!!

Sam xxxxx

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11 thoughts on “As I sit here on a bidet crying…

  1. Oh Sweatheart,it’s just a blip.It’s a long journey that you’ve only just started.You have an amazing family who adore you,that is what will get you through it.Sending a massive hug.You are amazing and this blog is going to help lots of people,good and bad bits,so don’t forget that xxx 🙂

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  2. Hi, Sam! I, for one, want you to keep writing your truth, because it’s the truth for many of us out here in the internet! I’ve been a UC patient for over 20 years – your blog is one of my favorites because you tell it like it is, and I think that’s so valuable.

    I hope things improve for you soon. I’ve not been through what you have – yet – but I’d bet it’s like everything else with these diseases: seems like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Hugs from the States!

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  3. So sorry to hear about the accident reset to zero. I hope you reach double figures, then triple figures. Please keep sharing. I hope it helps you. But please know it helps the IBD community too. Medical teams, as much as they are kind and caring, can never talk about the ‘lived experience.’ There is power and contribution in IBDers sharing. You do it so honestly and eloquently. So bad ass. Even from the bidet.

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  4. Rant away lass, no problem, it’s clearly real. On the up side…. without the downs you wouldn’t feel the highs? Look forward to the climb. You’d never have 7 days on your daft board if it didn’t start at zero?

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  5. Keep posting Sam – I have an ileostomy due to bowel cancer surgery which is due to be reversed in October and I am arming myself with as much real honest info I can – too many websites ‘poo poo’ (sorry!) the after effects of reversal – I realise this is entirely diff in your case as I am not having a j pouch but my sigmoid colon has been removed so less time to get to the loo.

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  6. Sam, I love your blog its so open and honest and totally you….empowering! Keep going….Im lovin blogger on the bidet….big hugs 😉

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  7. Sending you big hugs Sam. Tomorrow, your board will say 1. I’ve had my stoma for two weeks now. I went into my surgery almost fearless, because of your blog and your honesty. I am so grateful for you. You are a strong, beautiful woman and I admire you so very much. Thank you for putting it all out there. Feel better!!
    xox
    Caren

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  8. I’m so glad you sound like a polite hippo! I don’t have a pouch, but I can still make that noise when I need to go – and all the other windy noises that make people stare at you as if you are doing it on purpose.

    Hope you are happier today than on your bidet day.

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